How much 02-23-2010

How much

How much?
How much is real?
How much isn't?
How much of what I
    see
    hear
    think
    feel
    know
    fear
is real?
How much is of my own creation?
How much is in my mind?
Is not that which is in my mind real?
It is my reality
How much is
    real?
    true?
    me?
How much?

Beginning to forgive 02-16-2010

Beginning to forgive

I forgive
everything
I forgive
everyone
I forgive
Those that hurt me
Those that damaged me
Those that broke me
I forgive
Allowing myself to be hurt
Allowing myself to be damaged
Allowing myself to be broken
I forgive
Myself
For leaving those I care about
for the destruction I have caused
for the hurt I have given
for the pain I have given
for my patterns
for choosing to not see
for using others so I may hide
I forgive

Momentum 02-11-2010

Momentum

Stand up
Walk
Stand up
Move forward
Stand up
You have legs
they are strong
Use them
Go
No one will do it for you
Stand up
Walk
move forward
and go

No more 02-11-2010

No more

No more
No more
No more
I say, I write
I say, I write
Too much
Never do I learn
I say, I write
I say, I write
Still, never do I learn
This chalkboard I write on
I erase
Never do I learn
This whiteboard I write on
I erase
Never do I learn
No more
I say, I write
Within my soul I must engrave
So, always I will learn
I erase
No more

Choice 02-04-2010

Choice

I choose
I choose
I choose to be
    to be me
    to see
    to hear
    to dream
    to dance
    to sing
    to be brave
    to be different
    to still be me
I choose to be the man
    I have been afraid of
I am now different
    because I choose to be
I choose to be
I am me
I will be me
I choose

Try 02-04-2010

Try

I try
I try
I always try
Not true
I excuse, I try
I avoid, I try
I hide, I try
I don't try
Never did
So now I won't
Try
I am
I am
I am always

Giving up 02-04-2010

Giving up

Try…
Try… succeed
Try… try
Try… fail
Try… hurt
Try...
I try too much
I feel I need to try
I want to try
I want to control
I want it to work
    because it's what I want
I…
cannot...
fail…
I must… fail
It is time to give up
No, not fail
I must give up
Give up control
So I do
I give up

Ghosts 02-04-2010

Ghosts

My past I carry
My pain I carry
My wrongs I carry
My loss I carry
My fear I carry
That which I carry haunts me
I let it
I chose to carry them
I chose to let them haunt me
I chose the ghosts
I…
choose…
now...
to...
be...
free…
Ghosts, go away
You never were needed

Patterns 02-04-2010

Patterns

Why I do what I do
    I don't always know
Yet, even though I don't know
I still do…. the same
same direction
same thoughts
same fears
same
same patterns I fall within
How do i now know why
    if I know what will come next?
I refuse to admit my patterns
I hope I am better
I want to be better
I am not
Still within my patterns
I want to be free of them
Time to be free

Reasons for fear 02-03-2010

Reasons for fear

Fear
Why do i keep holding onto it?
What am i using it for?
What am i afraid to see?
    to do?
    to be?
What am i sealing with this fear?
Me
This fear seals me within myself
This keeps me from being me
But what truly am i afraid of?
Why won't i let me be me?
What is it that i don't want to see?
    to do?
    to be?
If i know this fear seals a good thing and
    i don't know why i am afraid,
    then why do i keep it?
There is no purpose in it
    no good in it
Let…
It...
Go…
Stop being afraid
Stop
Just be yourself
Be

What am I? pt1 02-03-2010

What am I? pt1

-What am I?
human
-more…
male
-more…
alive
-more…
part of a family, a son, a brother
-more…
more?
-more…
what more is there?
-everything
-everything you were
        you are
        can be
        are afraid to be
-everything
.....
-more…
I am me
-a start, but more...
curious, but afraid to ask
intelligent, but cocky at times
caring, but overbearing at times
afraid, but wanting
lonely, but surrounded by loved ones
not understood, except for one
a teacher, well, will be
a man of integrity, but lacking some
a man of honor, but afraid to stand up
a man of endless love, but i try to hard
coward, wishing to be brave
afraid, but with odd comfort
inspired, unafraid to give all
dreamer, yet afraid to truly dream
scientist, i want to understand
faithful, i don't need to understand, just trust
emotional, too controlled at times, no control at others
rational, i will talk myself out of everything
an observer, because i am afraid to dance
-that's enough for now…
really?
-yes, it's a good start, but still just a start...

Limitations of vision 02-03-2010

Limitations of vision

I see not the full truth
I know not why my sight is limited, but that fact remains
I see that i hurt the ones i love,
I cause pain, grief, sorrow, destruction…
I destroy
I see not the full truth
I forget the good i do, the help i do
I forget the good and see only the destruction in my wake
I know not why my sight is limited, that fact must be changed

Open 02-03-2010

Open

To see one must look
To truly see, one must have their eyes open
and stop trying to look
To hear one must listen
To truly hear, one must have their ears open
and stop trying to listen
To be oneself one must try
To truly be oneself, one must be open
and stop trying…
one simply must be
Be open
    open mind
    open body
    open soul
Be open

Irony 02-03-2010

Irony

My life is spent waiting
for one thing or another
spent waiting
not lived
not living
not moving
waiting
No more do I want
to wait for things
I want to go after them
be not afraid and chase them down
Yet...
There is one thing that i cannot chase after
One thing that has so much good potential
but I cannot take
This I must wait for
I must wait for a possibility of hope
Ironic, no?

Beating myself up 02-03-2010

Beating myself up

I beat myself up
I may deserve it
I may not
I don't know
I hurt others
I do something stupid
I damage
So I cause damage to myself
Pointless unless I learn
Life is learning
Life must be learning
I make a mistake and
I beat myself up
No
I make a mistake
and I should learn
I should grow
I should live

Sacrifice 02-03-2010

Sacrifice

How long have I done this, sacrificed myself for others?
Noble?
    crap, it was never noble, as much as I lied to myself
I ran, I hid
I am a coward
I sacrificed so I would not need to deal
    not be disappointed
    not be hurt
    not feel
I hid as I would not have to face the truth
No More!
    tired of it,
    useless,
    pointless
disappointment, hurt and more importantly feelings are apart of life
and I refuse to run from them
I must deal,
    must accept,
    must feel
I want to live so I will feel

Not balanced 02-03-2010

Not balanced

A life not whole,
A life not balanced
fear
of losing the comfort in this discomfort of who I am to be something better
fear
    of losing the comfort in this discomfort of who I am to be something better
fear
    of my limitless potential
fear
    of moving forward to fail
    of falling and not standing again
fear
    of not having anything to fix
    of not being needed, wanted
fear
    of being the man i want to be
because i
fear
    i don't deserve to be him
This life is not balanced and fears the loss of it's comfort
but...
    with this unbalanced life I live within and have my fears
    I run in circles
    I fear the exit
ironic, no?
This life not balanced is a life of fear and regret
I am afraid