A new life 09-05-2010

A brand new life
A brand new soul
what must it see?
how does it learn?
how does it become
    who it will become?
As it grows and learns and feels
    what direction will it go?
    what path will it take?
Though this new life has a lifetime's worth of questions
It has a lifetime to answer them
What an amazing journey it gets to start

What does this bring? 09-04-2010

What does this bring?
This instability…
Before I avoided everything
Because I was afraid of anger I suppressed
Everything
I stopped myself from feeling
    from being me
I learned much
    how to look
        to see
        to notice
        to read
        to sense
I learned the damage i caused to myself
So I began to change that
I started to let myself feel
    to be me
Yet, at this point
I had forgotten me
    who I was
I had to re-learn
    who I was
    who I am
It is not easy
the questions are difficult
the feelings are overwhelming
I don't think I will ever have a complete answer
But if I keep questioning
and keep feeling
I will be happy with
who I am and
who I will become

Never have I learned 09-04-2010

Never have I learned how to fight this alone
With another this is no fight
    there is nothing to fight
Alone this fight never ends
I survive but never win
What I fight is me
A side of me that sees nothing good
That knows only sorrow
The side that forgot how to hope
This is not a fight to win
This is a fight to accept
A fight to incorporate
A fight so I can become whole
Never have I learned to fight this because I am afraid

Falling 09-04-2010

In falling I forget
I forget how to fly
    how to climb
    how to move
Al I know is
    how to run
    how to hide
    how to cry
And so I fall
    through the blackness
    through the nothingness
    through the loneliness
falling, crying, alone

The Fall 08-28-2010

The thoughts
the sadness
the loneliness
the void
It still exists
Though it is not dark
it leads to dark places
Places I wish to never go again
It still overwhelms
I fall
    within
The tears want to pour
but I fight
To hold myself up
    to not fall
It's not easy
I don't always win

Beginnings 08-27-2010

Being curious
feeling nervous
the not knowing what will happen
or who these new people will become
The endless possibilities
the ones I can see
the ones I hope for
the chances I want to take
regardless of possibilities
and of hopes
new friends are made
Though I may get hurt
I still win

It hurt 08-27-2010

It hurt, that pain, that break
It hurt
Yet… there was more
    more than just hurt
    more than just pain
I cried
Still more
In that hurt
In those feelings
I felt alive
I knew more than just the hurt
I knew I was still alive
More than just existing
I was living
I am living

Running, Hiding, Scared 05-04-2010

Running
Hiding
Scared
Running from potential
Running from futures
Running from might be's
    could happens
    and what if's
I run from that which does not exist
Hiding from life
Hiding from others
Hiding from me
    myself
    and I
I hide from everything that is now
Scared of leaving my four walls
Scared of leaving my head
Scared of opening up
    letting in
    and being me
I am scared of that which is in my control

Questions 03-15-2010

Questions

Questions
they come in
they go out
they linger
they direct
they get answered
     by lies
     by truth
     by what we wish were true
Questions
they return
theta are forgotten
they maintain
they fuel
they claw for answers
     for lies
     for truth
     for hopes
Questions

A shift 03-02-2010

A shift

Seeing
Thinking
Feeling
Seeing, yet choosing not to
Thinking, yet choosing to ignore
Feeling, yet choosing to disregard
A shift
from what I should
to what I should not
I see, but go blind
I think, but become ignorant
I feel, but only me
A shift
from what shouldn't
back to what should
To see, again with clarity
To think, again about all
To feel, again everything
Seeing
Thinking
Feeling

Restless 03-02-2010

Restless

Restless
Restless hands
Restless mind
Restless Body
Restless
Don't want to sit
Don't' want to wait
Want to touch
Want to feel
Want to create
Yet still I am...
Restless
Restless body
Restless mind
Restless hands
Restless

How much 02-23-2010

How much

How much?
How much is real?
How much isn't?
How much of what I
    see
    hear
    think
    feel
    know
    fear
is real?
How much is of my own creation?
How much is in my mind?
Is not that which is in my mind real?
It is my reality
How much is
    real?
    true?
    me?
How much?

Beginning to forgive 02-16-2010

Beginning to forgive

I forgive
everything
I forgive
everyone
I forgive
Those that hurt me
Those that damaged me
Those that broke me
I forgive
Allowing myself to be hurt
Allowing myself to be damaged
Allowing myself to be broken
I forgive
Myself
For leaving those I care about
for the destruction I have caused
for the hurt I have given
for the pain I have given
for my patterns
for choosing to not see
for using others so I may hide
I forgive

Momentum 02-11-2010

Momentum

Stand up
Walk
Stand up
Move forward
Stand up
You have legs
they are strong
Use them
Go
No one will do it for you
Stand up
Walk
move forward
and go

No more 02-11-2010

No more

No more
No more
No more
I say, I write
I say, I write
Too much
Never do I learn
I say, I write
I say, I write
Still, never do I learn
This chalkboard I write on
I erase
Never do I learn
This whiteboard I write on
I erase
Never do I learn
No more
I say, I write
Within my soul I must engrave
So, always I will learn
I erase
No more

Choice 02-04-2010

Choice

I choose
I choose
I choose to be
    to be me
    to see
    to hear
    to dream
    to dance
    to sing
    to be brave
    to be different
    to still be me
I choose to be the man
    I have been afraid of
I am now different
    because I choose to be
I choose to be
I am me
I will be me
I choose

Try 02-04-2010

Try

I try
I try
I always try
Not true
I excuse, I try
I avoid, I try
I hide, I try
I don't try
Never did
So now I won't
Try
I am
I am
I am always

Giving up 02-04-2010

Giving up

Try…
Try… succeed
Try… try
Try… fail
Try… hurt
Try...
I try too much
I feel I need to try
I want to try
I want to control
I want it to work
    because it's what I want
I…
cannot...
fail…
I must… fail
It is time to give up
No, not fail
I must give up
Give up control
So I do
I give up

Ghosts 02-04-2010

Ghosts

My past I carry
My pain I carry
My wrongs I carry
My loss I carry
My fear I carry
That which I carry haunts me
I let it
I chose to carry them
I chose to let them haunt me
I chose the ghosts
I…
choose…
now...
to...
be...
free…
Ghosts, go away
You never were needed

Patterns 02-04-2010

Patterns

Why I do what I do
    I don't always know
Yet, even though I don't know
I still do…. the same
same direction
same thoughts
same fears
same
same patterns I fall within
How do i now know why
    if I know what will come next?
I refuse to admit my patterns
I hope I am better
I want to be better
I am not
Still within my patterns
I want to be free of them
Time to be free

Reasons for fear 02-03-2010

Reasons for fear

Fear
Why do i keep holding onto it?
What am i using it for?
What am i afraid to see?
    to do?
    to be?
What am i sealing with this fear?
Me
This fear seals me within myself
This keeps me from being me
But what truly am i afraid of?
Why won't i let me be me?
What is it that i don't want to see?
    to do?
    to be?
If i know this fear seals a good thing and
    i don't know why i am afraid,
    then why do i keep it?
There is no purpose in it
    no good in it
Let…
It...
Go…
Stop being afraid
Stop
Just be yourself
Be

What am I? pt1 02-03-2010

What am I? pt1

-What am I?
human
-more…
male
-more…
alive
-more…
part of a family, a son, a brother
-more…
more?
-more…
what more is there?
-everything
-everything you were
        you are
        can be
        are afraid to be
-everything
.....
-more…
I am me
-a start, but more...
curious, but afraid to ask
intelligent, but cocky at times
caring, but overbearing at times
afraid, but wanting
lonely, but surrounded by loved ones
not understood, except for one
a teacher, well, will be
a man of integrity, but lacking some
a man of honor, but afraid to stand up
a man of endless love, but i try to hard
coward, wishing to be brave
afraid, but with odd comfort
inspired, unafraid to give all
dreamer, yet afraid to truly dream
scientist, i want to understand
faithful, i don't need to understand, just trust
emotional, too controlled at times, no control at others
rational, i will talk myself out of everything
an observer, because i am afraid to dance
-that's enough for now…
really?
-yes, it's a good start, but still just a start...

Limitations of vision 02-03-2010

Limitations of vision

I see not the full truth
I know not why my sight is limited, but that fact remains
I see that i hurt the ones i love,
I cause pain, grief, sorrow, destruction…
I destroy
I see not the full truth
I forget the good i do, the help i do
I forget the good and see only the destruction in my wake
I know not why my sight is limited, that fact must be changed

Open 02-03-2010

Open

To see one must look
To truly see, one must have their eyes open
and stop trying to look
To hear one must listen
To truly hear, one must have their ears open
and stop trying to listen
To be oneself one must try
To truly be oneself, one must be open
and stop trying…
one simply must be
Be open
    open mind
    open body
    open soul
Be open

Irony 02-03-2010

Irony

My life is spent waiting
for one thing or another
spent waiting
not lived
not living
not moving
waiting
No more do I want
to wait for things
I want to go after them
be not afraid and chase them down
Yet...
There is one thing that i cannot chase after
One thing that has so much good potential
but I cannot take
This I must wait for
I must wait for a possibility of hope
Ironic, no?

Beating myself up 02-03-2010

Beating myself up

I beat myself up
I may deserve it
I may not
I don't know
I hurt others
I do something stupid
I damage
So I cause damage to myself
Pointless unless I learn
Life is learning
Life must be learning
I make a mistake and
I beat myself up
No
I make a mistake
and I should learn
I should grow
I should live

Sacrifice 02-03-2010

Sacrifice

How long have I done this, sacrificed myself for others?
Noble?
    crap, it was never noble, as much as I lied to myself
I ran, I hid
I am a coward
I sacrificed so I would not need to deal
    not be disappointed
    not be hurt
    not feel
I hid as I would not have to face the truth
No More!
    tired of it,
    useless,
    pointless
disappointment, hurt and more importantly feelings are apart of life
and I refuse to run from them
I must deal,
    must accept,
    must feel
I want to live so I will feel

Not balanced 02-03-2010

Not balanced

A life not whole,
A life not balanced
fear
of losing the comfort in this discomfort of who I am to be something better
fear
    of losing the comfort in this discomfort of who I am to be something better
fear
    of my limitless potential
fear
    of moving forward to fail
    of falling and not standing again
fear
    of not having anything to fix
    of not being needed, wanted
fear
    of being the man i want to be
because i
fear
    i don't deserve to be him
This life is not balanced and fears the loss of it's comfort
but...
    with this unbalanced life I live within and have my fears
    I run in circles
    I fear the exit
ironic, no?
This life not balanced is a life of fear and regret
I am afraid