tortured prims

A new life 09-05-2010

2010-09-05T16:05:00.001-07:00

A brand new life
A brand new soul
what must it see?
how does it learn?
how does it become
    who it will become?
As it grows and learns and feels
    what direction will it go?
    what path will it take?
Though this new life has a lifetime's worth of questions
It has a lifetime to answer them
What an amazing journey it gets to start

What does this bring? 09-04-2010

2010-09-04T16:04:00.001-07:00

What does this bring?
This instability…
Before I avoided everything
Because I was afraid of anger I suppressed
Everything
I stopped myself from feeling
    from being me
I learned much
    how to look
        to see
        to notice
        to read
        to sense
I learned the damage i caused to myself
So I began to change that
I started to let myself feel
    to be me
Yet, at this point
I had forgotten me
    who I was
I had to re-learn
    who I was
    who I am
It is not easy
the questions are difficult
the feelings are overwhelming
I don't think I will ever have a complete answer
But if I keep questioning
and keep feeling
I will be happy with
who I am and
who I will become

Never have I learned 09-04-2010

2010-09-04T16:04:00.000-07:00

Never have I learned how to fight this alone
With another this is no fight
there is nothing to fight
Alone this fight never ends
I survive but never win
What I fight is me
A side of me that sees nothing good
That knows only sorrow
The side that forgot how to hope
This is not a fight to win
This is a fight to accept
A fight to incorporate
A fight so I can become whole
Never have I learned to fight this because I am afraid

Falling 09-04-2010

2010-09-04T16:03:00.000-07:00

In falling I forget
I forget how to fly
    how to climb
    how to move
Al I know is
    how to run
    how to hide
    how to cry
And so I fall
    through the blackness
    through the nothingness
    through the loneliness
falling, crying, alone

The Fall 08-28-2010

2010-08-28T16:02:00.000-07:00

The thoughts
the sadness
the loneliness
the void
It still exists
Though it is not dark
it leads to dark places
Places I wish to never go again
It still overwhelms
I fall
within
The tears want to pour
but I fight
To hold myself up
to not fall
It's not easy
I don't always win

Beginnings 08-27-2010

2010-08-27T16:02:00.000-07:00

Being curious
feeling nervous
the not knowing what will happen
or who these new people will become
The endless possibilities
the ones I can see
the ones I hope for
the chances I want to take
regardless of possibilities
and of hopes
new friends are made
Though I may get hurt
I still win

It hurt 08-27-2010

2010-08-27T16:01:00.000-07:00

It hurt, that pain, that break
It hurt
Yet… there was more
more than just hurt
more than just pain
I cried
Still more
In that hurt
In those feelings
I felt alive
I knew more than just the hurt
I knew I was still alive
More than just existing
I was living
I am living

Running, Hiding, Scared 05-04-2010

2010-05-04T01:39:00.000-07:00

Running
Hiding
Scared
Running from potential
Running from futures
Running from might be's
    could happens
    and what if's
I run from that which does not exist
Hiding from life
Hiding from others
Hiding from me
    myself
    and I
I hide from everything that is now
Scared of leaving my four walls
Scared of leaving my head
Scared of opening up
    letting in
    and being me
I am scared of that which is in my control

Questions 03-15-2010

2010-03-15T20:55:00.000-07:00

Questions

Questions
they come in
they go out
they linger
they direct
they get answered
     by lies
     by truth
     by what we wish were true
Questions
they return
theta are forgotten
they maintain
they fuel
they claw for answers
     for lies
     for truth
     for hopes
Questions

A shift 03-02-2010

2010-03-02T23:10:00.000-08:00

A shift

Seeing
Thinking
Feeling
Seeing, yet choosing not to
Thinking, yet choosing to ignore
Feeling, yet choosing to disregard
A shift
from what I should
to what I should not
I see, but go blind
I think, but become ignorant
I feel, but only me
A shift
from what shouldn't
back to what should
To see, again with clarity
To think, again about all
To feel, again everything
Seeing
Thinking
Feeling

Restless 03-02-2010

2010-03-02T23:09:00.000-08:00

Restless

Restless
Restless hands
Restless mind
Restless Body
Restless
Don't want to sit
Don't' want to wait
Want to touch
Want to feel
Want to create
Yet still I am...
Restless
Restless body
Restless mind
Restless hands
Restless

How much 02-23-2010

2010-02-23T13:21:00.000-08:00

How much

How much?
How much is real?
How much isn't?
How much of what I
    see
   hear
   think
   feel
   know
   fear
is real?
How much is of my own creation?
How much is in my mind?
Is not that which is in my mind real?
It is my reality
How much is
    real?
   true?
   me?
How much?

Beginning to forgive 02-16-2010

2010-02-16T13:20:00.000-08:00

Beginning to forgive

I forgive
everything
I forgive
everyone
I forgive
Those that hurt me
Those that damaged me
Those that broke me
I forgive
Allowing myself to be hurt
Allowing myself to be damaged
Allowing myself to be broken
I forgive
Myself
For leaving those I care about
for the destruction I have caused
for the hurt I have given
for the pain I have given
for my patterns
for choosing to not see
for using others so I may hide
I forgive

Momentum 02-11-2010

2010-02-11T13:20:00.000-08:00

Momentum

Stand up
Walk
Stand up
Move forward
Stand up
You have legs
they are strong
Use them
Go
No one will do it for you
Stand up
Walk
move forward
and go

No more 02-11-2010

2010-02-11T13:19:00.000-08:00

No more

No more
No more
No more
I say, I write
I say, I write
Too much
Never do I learn
I say, I write
I say, I write
Still, never do I learn
This chalkboard I write on
I erase
Never do I learn
This whiteboard I write on
I erase
Never do I learn
No more
I say, I write
Within my soul I must engrave
So, always I will learn
I erase
No more

Choice 02-04-2010

2010-02-04T13:18:00.002-08:00

Choice

I choose
I choose
I choose to be
   to be me
   to see
   to hear
   to dream
   to dance
   to sing
   to be brave
   to be different
   to still be me
I choose to be the man
   I have been afraid of
I am now different
   because I choose to be
I choose to be
I am me
I will be me
I choose

Try 02-04-2010

2010-02-04T13:18:00.001-08:00

Try

I try
I try
I always try
Not true
I excuse, I try
I avoid, I try
I hide, I try
I don't try
Never did
So now I won't
Try
I am
I am
I am always

Giving up 02-04-2010

2010-02-04T13:18:00.000-08:00

Giving up

Try…
Try… succeed
Try… try
Try… fail
Try… hurt
Try...
I try too much
I feel I need to try
I want to try
I want to control
I want it to work
because it's what I want
I…
cannot...
fail…
I must… fail
It is time to give up
No, not fail
I must give up
Give up control
So I do
I give up

Ghosts 02-04-2010

2010-02-04T13:17:00.001-08:00

Ghosts

My past I carry
My pain I carry
My wrongs I carry
My loss I carry
My fear I carry
That which I carry haunts me
I let it
I chose to carry them
I chose to let them haunt me
I chose the ghosts
I…
choose…
now...
to...
be...
free…
Ghosts, go away
You never were needed

Patterns 02-04-2010

2010-02-04T13:17:00.000-08:00

Patterns

Why I do what I do
I don't always know
Yet, even though I don't know
I still do…. the same
same direction
same thoughts
same fears
same
same patterns I fall within
How do i now know why
if I know what will come next?
I refuse to admit my patterns
I hope I am better
I want to be better
I am not
Still within my patterns
I want to be free of them
Time to be free

Reasons for fear 02-03-2010

2010-02-03T13:16:00.001-08:00

Reasons for fear

Fear
Why do i keep holding onto it?
What am i using it for?
What am i afraid to see?
   to do?
   to be?
What am i sealing with this fear?
Me
This fear seals me within myself
This keeps me from being me
But what truly am i afraid of?
Why won't i let me be me?
What is it that i don't want to see?
   to do?
   to be?
If i know this fear seals a good thing and
   i don't know why i am afraid,
   then why do i keep it?
There is no purpose in it
   no good in it
Let…
It...
Go…
Stop being afraid
Stop
Just be yourself
Be

What am I? pt1 02-03-2010

2010-02-03T13:16:00.000-08:00

What am I? pt1

-What am I?
human
-more…
male
-more…
alive
-more…
part of a family, a son, a brother
-more…
more?
-more…
what more is there?
-everything
-everything you were
       you are
       can be
       are afraid to be
-everything
.....
-more…
I am me
-a start, but more...
curious, but afraid to ask
intelligent, but cocky at times
caring, but overbearing at times
afraid, but wanting
lonely, but surrounded by loved ones
not understood, except for one
a teacher, well, will be
a man of integrity, but lacking some
a man of honor, but afraid to stand up
a man of endless love, but i try to hard
coward, wishing to be brave
afraid, but with odd comfort
inspired, unafraid to give all
dreamer, yet afraid to truly dream
scientist, i want to understand
faithful, i don't need to understand, just trust
emotional, too controlled at times, no control at others
rational, i will talk myself out of everything
an observer, because i am afraid to dance
-that's enough for now…
really?
-yes, it's a good start, but still just a start...

Limitations of vision 02-03-2010

2010-02-03T13:15:00.001-08:00

Limitations of vision

I see not the full truth
I know not why my sight is limited, but that fact remains
I see that i hurt the ones i love,
I cause pain, grief, sorrow, destruction…
I destroy
I see not the full truth
I forget the good i do, the help i do
I forget the good and see only the destruction in my wake
I know not why my sight is limited, that fact must be changed

Open 02-03-2010

2010-02-03T13:15:00.000-08:00

Open

To see one must look
To truly see, one must have their eyes open
and stop trying to look
To hear one must listen
To truly hear, one must have their ears open
and stop trying to listen
To be oneself one must try
To truly be oneself, one must be open
and stop trying…
one simply must be
Be open
   open mind
   open body
   open soul
Be open

Irony 02-03-2010

2010-02-03T13:14:00.001-08:00

Irony

My life is spent waiting
for one thing or another
spent waiting
not lived
not living
not moving
waiting
No more do I want
to wait for things
I want to go after them
be not afraid and chase them down
Yet...
There is one thing that i cannot chase after
One thing that has so much good potential
but I cannot take
This I must wait for
I must wait for a possibility of hope
Ironic, no?

Beating myself up 02-03-2010

2010-02-03T13:14:00.000-08:00

Beating myself up

I beat myself up
I may deserve it
I may not
I don't know
I hurt others
I do something stupid
I damage
So I cause damage to myself
Pointless unless I learn
Life is learning
Life must be learning
I make a mistake and
I beat myself up
No
I make a mistake
and I should learn
I should grow
I should live

Sacrifice 02-03-2010

2010-02-03T13:13:00.000-08:00

Sacrifice

How long have I done this, sacrificed myself for others?
Noble?
   crap, it was never noble, as much as I lied to myself
I ran, I hid
I am a coward
I sacrificed so I would not need to deal
   not be disappointed
   not be hurt
   not feel
I hid as I would not have to face the truth
No More!
   tired of it,
   useless,
   pointless
disappointment, hurt and more importantly feelings are apart of life
and I refuse to run from them
I must deal,
   must accept,
   must feel
I want to live so I will feel

Not balanced 02-03-2010

2010-02-03T13:12:00.000-08:00

Not balanced

A life not whole,
A life not balanced
fear
of losing the comfort in this discomfort of who I am to be something better
fear
   of losing the comfort in this discomfort of who I am to be something better
fear
   of my limitless potential
fear
   of moving forward to fail
   of falling and not standing again
fear
   of not having anything to fix
   of not being needed, wanted
fear
   of being the man i want to be
because i
fear
   i don't deserve to be him
This life is not balanced and fears the loss of it's comfort
but...
   with this unbalanced life I live within and have my fears
   I run in circles
   I fear the exit
ironic, no?
This life not balanced is a life of fear and regret
I am afraid

2009-10-28T17:27:00.000-07:00

though i may not be wicked, i have done wicked things.

here i shall remain, stained by my past….
though the soft earth soothes,
(in the name of peace and hope)
blood has been shed.

here i remain, glad to remain….
my meaning fulfilled, i am not discarded,
(in the name of peace and hope)
blood need not be shed.

no longer i remain, still, with my stains….
now returned to hands of my owner,
(in the name of peace and hope)
blood must be shed.

save for the soul of my owner….
the one called "hero,"
(in the name of peace and hope)
the world may be spared.

though he may be a "hero," we have done wicked things.

Joshua Stortz
10-28-2009

various information

2007-11-30T14:01:00.000-08:00

my LinkedIn profile/resume: http://www.linkedin.com/in/joshuastortz

flickr sets: science builds
Second Life Relay For Life 2007
other Second Life pics

my YouTube page with different machinima that i have done: http://www.youtube.com/profile?user=amulius2001

my facebook: http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=628003618

Observatory

2007-11-16T15:54:00.000-08:00

this observatory was created for the Ramapo Islands in Teen Second Life
it was through this project while working with Peggy Sheehy i was background checked and cleared to be in the Teen Grid

below is link that SLNN wrote about the Ramapo Islands, which also talks about this build
http://slnn.com/index.php/article/about/middle-school.html

telescope demo

2007-11-15T01:36:00.000-08:00

here are some images of telescope cross-sections: one refractive, one reflective

light demo

2007-11-15T01:18:00.001-08:00

below are images of a light wheel that i created to see how the lighting system in Second Life works, i have 3 point sources, one red, one blue, one green

ok.... first post... orbit demo

2007-11-15T00:58:00.000-08:00

here is some machinima of a few science builds that i have done in Second Life

Genetics paper writing sample

2007-11-14T00:55:00.000-08:00

Genetics is a relatively new term and an even newer science, but the ideas behind what genetics truly is, are ancient. The techniques early farmers and even their modern day counterparts employed of planting certain seeds in order to produce a specific crop and then continuing this process by selecting seeds from the next crop to cultivate exactly the strain they wanted, is the core of the basics of genetics. But we will not begin by focusing on the technical aspects; instead we are going to start from the beginning, and illustrate the process of how genetics evolved, showing gaps in time, and a survey of who did what and when. In a sense, this paper will be a historical journey through some of the most interesting parts of the study of genetics.

From the beginning of recorded history, the basis of how things were thought to be was from the belief of creationism: god(s) created the earth and all things upon it. With this concept there isn’t room for change or any type of evolution in thought. Things remain fairly static until we jump ahead to the year 1831 AD. This is the point at which Charles Darwin set out on board the HMS Beagle to become a science officer. The ship’s mission was to explore around the world for five years. It was during this time that Darwin started to look at extinct horse forms, but more importantly he was able to visit the Galapagos Islands. It was here at this closely grouped set of islands that Darwin would discover seemingly similar yet different species of finches. Though these islands were geographically close they were isolated enough from each other that these birds could not travel from one island to the next. Darwin noticed a visual difference in the birds by how their beak shape varied. Each bird had seemingly adapted to be able to find the types of food found on their own individual island. It wasn’t until 1836 when Darwin returned from the Galapagos that he had more then enough research regarding his theories, about what he called Natural Selection. He was wary of the reception to his findings and originally did not want to have them published until after his death. But come 1858 when Anthony Wallace was working on similar research and had enough compiled to publish his own findings; Darwin was prompted to reconsider publishing his work about Natural Selection. In the end, Darwin and Wallace jointly brought a paper to the Royal Society in 1858. The following year Darwin published “On the Origin of Species,” which became the starting point of the serious consideration and study of genetics.

During the period of time between 1856 and 1863 Gregor Mendel began doing his research on the cultivation of pea plants. In those seven years Mendel worked with over 28,000 pea plants in which he used to forge his laws of inheritance. Three years later, in 1866, Mendel published the paper "Experiments on Plant Hybridization.” When it was published none of his contemporaries understood it, and it would still be many years until people began to. It wouldn’t be until the year 1900, 35 years after its publishing, when Mendel’s work would be rediscovered. This caught the eye of other scientist’s thinking that Darwin’s and Mendel’s work needed to be looked at together. In 1942, Julian Huxley published his paper “Evolution, The Modern Synthesis,” tying together the work of Darwin and Mendel. Now the ideas of Natural Selection and genetics became fundamentally linked. This caused research into the field to really take off which helped lead up to 1952 when James Watson and Francis Crick discovered the double helix structure of DNA.

It was not until 1990 when the International Human Genome Sequencing Consortium, led in the United States by the National Human Genome Research Institute and the Department of Energy begun the Human Genome Project. According to the Human Genome Project Information web site, the project was to complete the following:

Identify all the approximately 20,000-25,000 genes in human DNA, determine the sequences of the 3 billion chemical base pairs that make up human DNA, store this information in databases, improve tools for data analysis, transfer related technologies to the private sector, and address the ethical, legal, and social issues (ELSI) that may arise from the project (www.ornl.gov).

On April 14, 2003 all of the initial goals of the Human Genome project were achieved. So all 23 pairs of chromosomes, well 22 pairs, and X and Y, have been mapped.

Discovering DNA and having mapped just about all of it out is all well and good, but where is it, and what makes this important to us? Simply put DNA is in just about every cell in every living being on Earth. One of the chief reasons that DNA is so important is that it directs protein synthesis within the cells. Proteins, in a sense, make us into what we are. According to Robert Jurmain, et al. proteins are very important like hemoglobin, a protein, in blood that serves to transport oxygen, collagen which is a critical part in every connective tissue, the enzyme lactase, still a protein, that breaks down milk sugar, and the hormone insulin, also a protein, which makes certain muscle tissues and the liver absorb sugars (48-49). DNA is so important that all new cells must get a complete and perfect copy of the original DNA, all three billion base pairs.

Now let’s delve into this further. If you were able to unwind a full strand of DNA, all three billion base pairs, it would stretch about two meters. Since there is two meters of DNA in every cell, how much DNA is in the average human body? According to Vadim Gerasimov, Ph.D there are about 60 trillion cells in the average human. So two meters of DNA per cell at 60 trillion cells is 120 trillion (1.2x10¹⁴) meters of DNA, this seems like too great a number to fathom. Changing this into kilometers we get 120 billion (1.2x10¹¹) km of DNA; that is still quite a large number to grasp. Now let us break that concept down into something more manageable; one Astronomical Unit (AU) is about 150 million (1.5x10⁸) km according to Eric Chaisson, so all the DNA in the average human would be about 800 AUs, or about 20 times the distance Pluto is from the sun.

With the knowledge that DNA has to duplicate properly, and that there are three billion base pairs that need to successfully do this, odds are that there are bound to be mistakes during both the process of mitosis and meiosis. According to Amanda Ewart Toland, PhD:

Everyone acquires some changes to their DNA during the course of their lives. These changes occur in a number of ways. Sometimes there are simple copying errors that are introduced when DNA replicates itself. (Every time a cell divides, all of its DNA is duplicated so that the each of the two resulting cells have a full set of DNA.) Other changes are introduced as a result of DNA damage through environmental agents including sunlight, cigarette smoke, and radiation. Our cells have built in mechanisms that catch and repair most of the changes that occur during DNA replication or from environmental damage (Ewart Toland).

Though our cells have mechanisms in place to spell check the DNA, if this process does not check the DNA correctly, or the mechanism fails to work at all, then the new cell will continue to contain a mutation. There are many different types of mutations, from point mutations, which would turn the line “The fat cat ate the wee rat,” into “The fat hat ate the wee rat,” frame shift mutations which turn the original line into “The fat caa tet hew eer at,” deletion mutations which would create “The fat ate the wee rat,” insertion mutations creating ” The fat cat xlw ate the wee rat,” and inversion mutations “The fat tar eew eht eta tac” (Ewart Toland). Mutations in the gametes can lead to mutations in the embryo. These mutations in the embryo and even in the parent can be disastrous, according to the March of Dimes website, “factors known to cause first-trimester miscarriages, the most common is a chromosomal abnormality in the fetus…Most chromosomal abnormalities result from a faulty egg or sperm cell.” This makes it sound like all genetic mutations are bad. For the most part they are, but even the mutation that leads to sickle cell anemia has some good benefits, though it is at times lethal. According to pbs.org, “Doctors noticed that patients who had sickle cell anemia, a serious hereditary blood disease, were more likely to survive malaria, a disease which kills some 1.2 million people every year.”

Though the science of genetics is new, it has progressed quite a long way in a very short amount of time. Yet it still continues to have a long way to go and much more to discover and learn. I personally find this topic very interesting, the time scales, the shear numbers, and the statistics of it all. I can’t wait to see where research in this field goes next, what diseases will be able to cured, what new genetic problems might arise that could be harmful and possibly even have the capacity to kill us, and even if man kind has the potential to evolve our own selves using science.

Works Cited

Chaisson, Eric, and Steve McMillan. Astronomy: A Beginner’s Guide to the Universe.Upper Saddle River, New Jersey: Pearson Education Inc., 2004

Ewart Toland, Amanda. “Genetics 101: DNA Mutations.” Genetic Health 3 Jan. 2001. 29 Aug. 2005.

Gerasimov, Vadim. “Information Processing in Human Body.” 2000. 29 Aug. 2005

Human Genome Project Information. 27 Oct. 2004. U.S. Department of Energy Office of Science, Office of Biological and Environmental Research, Human Genome Program. 27 Aug. 2005.

Jurmain, Robert, Lynn Kilgore, Wenda Trevathan, and Harry Nelson, Essentials of Physical Anthropology. 5^th Ed. Belmont, CA: Wadsworth/Thomson Learning. 2004

“Miscarriage.” March of Dimes. Aug. 2004. 29 Aug. 2005.

“A Mutation Story” pbs.org. 2001. 29 Aug. 2005.